Truth, they say, is stranger than fiction. Nowhere is that more apparent than in the world of wiseguys. After all, who would believe Tommy Bilotti actually thought that hairpiece looked good? Or that John Gotti would revel in his face making the cover of Time magazine (old Carlo would have had apoplexy if he weren�t already dead). And Sammy Gravano ratting? He seemed like a true stand-up guy if ever there was one.

Well, the truth, this time, is not only strange but comically surreal, reminiscent of a South Park episode. Not too long ago, the associated press reported just such a story. Seems there�s a Massachusetts wiseguy, named Vinnie �Gigi Portalla� Marino (hey, just the fact that this Vinnie lets himself be called Gigi is strange!). Vinnie is currently in prison awaiting trial. He is, along with six other wiseguys, accused of waging a murderous battle for control of the local rackets. Nothing strange there. That�s what wiseguys do. They steal, cheat, swindle, extort and break a few legs in the process. Oh yeah, and murder is just another day at the office.

What IS strange about the report, is an idea Vinnie has stuck in his head, (or should I say butt?). In 1996, Vinnie was involved in a Revere, Massachusetts barroom shoot-out which �ended� with a bullet stuck in his butt. Naturally, it was surgically removed at a nearby hospital. Trouble is, a Federal DEA agent told Vinnie that a tracking device replaced the bullet (now who ever said that the Feds were humorless?) Apparently Vinnie has believed him all these years. Gee, I�d love to talk to Vinnie; there�s a bridge in Brooklyn that�s up for sale.

Now Vinnie wants the truth. He can�t stand the suspense any longer (perhaps sitting down is painful)! During a recent pretrial hearing, his attorney filed a motion to get to the �bottom� of things. On Monday, June 14th, U.S. District Court Judge Nathaniel M. Gorton ordered authorities to say whether they did, in fact, implant such a device. Judge Gorton said the situation �sounds like some agent trying to be funny�. DUHHHHHHHHHH! Hey, Judge Gorton would YOU be interested in owning a bridge?

How could this federal agent tell Vinnie such a preposterous story with a straight face? Did he repeatedly watch a video tape of President Clinton telling the nation �I did not have sex with that woman�? Emulate THAT face and you can get away with telling ANYTHING to anybody!

Vinnie continued to make an ass of himself by believing the agent when he was asked to sign a form that would allow the government to remove the device. That alone should have tipped Vinnie off that it was just a government fairy tale. That�s like the Feds asking Gotti to sign a form so they could remove a bug from the �rear� of the Ravenite!

So, is there or isn�t there a bug up Vinnie�s butt? The government says no. U.S. Attorney Donald K. Stern said, �we can confirm that the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration did not implant a tracking device in Vincent Marino�s buttocks.� Would you have expected them to say otherwise?

Well, I guess that�s the �end� of it. If the government says no, then no it must be. �Butt�, I wonder, how does that �sit� with Vinnie? And will he be able to put all this �behind� him?

caio!
francesca

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